Okay, so this blog contains a kind of sad story about me in high school. If you are sensitive to triggers, please don’t read this.
Last blog, I mentioned and explained what it meant to be a born again Christian. I also mentioned how born again Christians have a story and that each and every story is special, and wonderful.
The “eyes” I am stating in my title are figurative and I mean in a sense of the heart, mind, soul, spirit.
Although I have been a Christian my whole entire life, even I have a story of being born again. It is a bit different than others, but then again, every story is different.
I remember, ever since I was a very young child, I went to church on Sunday mornings. I NEVER missed a Sunday. The only time I was not able to go to church was one time in middle school because I was sick with a really high fever and it would hurt to move. I remember not being able to speak for a whole week. Anyways, I was basically a Christian since I was born. I loved and honored my parents, I always looked forward going to church, and I just adored the bible stories and the miracles of Jesus. At the time, the Holy Bible (of course with pictures) was truly my favorite book of all time.
I grew up, I continued to have faith and continued to believe in what I was taught. Not once did I question my faith. Not once did I think twice about skipping Sunday. I loved going to church, so why would I?
It was basically all sunshine and happiness throughout elementary school.
Middle school came around. Everybody remembers middle school as being the awkward stages of life. For me, middle school wasn’t that awkward. I naturally have straight teeth, so I never needed braces, and as for acne I just didn’t get them at this point in my life. If I did, it was only a bit on my chin, or forehead, but not enough to make myself feel bad about it. (Though they came later in high school and it was terrible.)
At this point, I still really loved going to church. I still held onto my faith and beliefs and have yet to question my faith and why I was Christian.
Then high school came around. I wasn’t exceptional in anything. I was an average B student, did some extracurricular activities, but nothing too big. I had my friends and we were close. My life wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t bad either. Even so…for some reason my self-esteem hit rock-bottom in my junior year and senior year of high school. Some may say it was depression, but not clinical depression. Others would say it was just a phase. For me…I know for a fact that it was not clinical depression, and it wasn’t a phase (building self-confidence and feeling happy about yourself doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes time and effort.)
I would look in the mirror, and the thoughts I had in my head were horrible.
“You really can’t do anything right, can you?”
“You’re just embarrassing yourself.”
“Just shut up, your voice is annoying and you don’t really have anything smart to say anyway.”
“What’s wrong with you? Why did you volunteer to speak up in class today?”
“You’re so ugly.”
“Everybody is making fun of you and you know it.”
“You’re so stupid.”
These are just a few examples of my thoughts I had. They’re not pretty.
The worst one of all was…
“Who would ever love you?”
This was the one thought in my head that never left. It always repeated in my head, it was always there whenever people talked to me, hugged me, complimented me, just everything and anything nice.
Because of this, I truly thought nobody loved me. I wasn’t anything special, and I didn’t do anything special.
It got to the point where I thought my friends, who have been friends with me since fourth grade or sixth grade, were pretending to be nice and were just letting me hang out with them because they pitied me. I thought all of my teachers didn’t like me, and thought I was a nuisance. I thought every time I did something it would annoy someone. It even went to the point that I thought my family was embarrassed of me.
I thought that my parents and siblings were embarrassed to be seen with me in public, and that they were lying when they said that they loved me.
My brother would hug me and my sister would say hi to me in public, or at school. I never understood why. Weren’t they embarrassed of me? Wasn’t I too ugly to be seen with them?
Years went by and I was a sophomore in college. By now, I just chose a random major that I was mildly a bit more interested in than the other subjects and just fell into it. Then a guy told me he liked me and I honestly thought he was joking and was pranking me. Even so, even if it was a joke I just said, “okay.” Then soon after, we started dating.
He was sweet and kind at first, but not long after he became emotionally and psychologically abusive. At this point, I thought everything was my fault. Everything that went wrong, anything bad that happened, just everything was my fault. Even when it didn’t make sense or when it clearly wasn’t my fault, I would question myself and I seriously thought it was my fault. I ended things with him, but now I was worse than before.
Now, after one more year, not only did I think I was useless, and that nobody loved me, but also I made things worse.
Even though I loved my dog, I loved playing piano, and I still enjoyed going to church…but I felt as if everybody was better off without me. The world would be a better place and everything would be so much easier for everybody else without me. I felt that me being dead would be the best thing for everybody…but…..
I didn’t want to die.
One morning, I was eating breakfast and listening to WGTS 91.9, and the song “Who Am I” was playing. While I was listening, I listened carefully to the lyrics and I was bawling and crying. It suddenly hit me…
God loves me.
Even if everybody else hated me in the world, even if the whole entire galaxy hated me, God loved me.
The lyrics, “He told me who I am, I am yours.”
It made me truly realize and open my eyes that God loved me. I was His daughter and that no matter what I did, no matter what I had done; all of those silly mistakes, insecurities, feelings I had…it didn’t matter. In the end, God is the one who loved me the most. He loved me so much that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross to cleanse me from my sins. What other human being, what other king, would love someone so much that they would sacrifice their son for me? Jesus loved me, He was willing, even though He was scared and didn’t want to, He still did it because He loved us so much.
God loves me. This thought then just kept repeating my mind, my heart.
I started singing along with the song, and was happier than ever.
After this moment, I started realizing that my friends weren’t friends with me because they pitied me. They were my friends because they wanted to me. They enjoyed my company and loved who I am as a person. My family didn’t pretend to love me, nor were they embarrassed to be seen with me. They didn’t care how I looked. They really loved and cared for me.
The moment I realized God’s amazing love was the moment I truly let God into my life. This was the moment when the center of my life was not me, but it was God, it was Jesus.
Now, I am happier than ever. Of course I still have things going on (like I hate my major, but it’s too late to change it) and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, and the program I am in…I really want to drop out of, but I won’t have a plan if I do.
It has been a bit over a year now, and the stresses keeps coming, but you know what? I am happier than ever. I love my life, I treasure my family and friends. I enjoy living and giving glory to God.
The song titled, “Every Move I Make” (there is a version from the David Crowder Band) and that song summarizes what I feel and my life right now.
God’s love has really captured me and this love has opened my eyes and helped me see life, my friends, my family, and others in general in a new light.
I thank God everyday that I am living, breathing, healthy, and able to praise Him.
My life is one of the greatest love God has every given me, and I am going to treasure it.
Of course there’s more to my story, but I won’t go too specific on the details.
Every story of being born again, realizing, or just having your eyes opened, is special. Every story teaches a lesson and helps encourage, and give hope to others in a way you can’t imagine.
God is with you every day. He loves you and wants to be a part of your life.
Will you let Him?
Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a blessed day!
Verse of the day…
1 Peter 1:8-9 “Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
*I’m sorry for (m)any grammatical errors*
Matthew 5:13 – 16 “13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Please do not use my story/information/blog for your own benefit. If you would like to use some of my thoughts and material, please be sure to ask for my permission and to give me credit. Thank you!
*Picture is from google images*